In some cases, you may have a healthy debate over politics, current events, or other situations where you don’t share an opinion. Other times, you’ll find yourselves fighting over things like chores, the kids, the in-laws, and other normal life things. The conversations may become heated or passionate, but as long as they stay respectful, these can be meaningful moments and good for the relationship because they teach you valuable communication skills. But healthy fighting is a skill you probably both need to work on in some capacity (we all do). Challenging each other intellectually and communicating openly provides oxygen to your couplehood, says Tray Kearney, a certified life and relationship coach. “Trying to have healthy debates helps you identify with how your partner communicates, and how and when you should react or end the conversation,” Kearney explains. “It gives you awareness of how the other person deals with being able to agree to disagree and how soon and if the debate goes left. It shows a level of self-control as well as an ability to handle a difference of opinion without it leading to an argument.” So how can you resolve conflicts—or agree to disagree—in a healthy, constructive way without actually hurting your partnership? Whether you’re squabbling about the laundry or having an intense discussion about climate change, relationship experts share their top fair fighting rules so that butting heads can actually help you build a stronger bond. “Really listen, then say, ‘Let me see if I get what you’re saying. You feel [insert info here], correct?’ Make sure your partner sees you trying to hear accurately,” Hunt says. “Then give them a chance to expand: ‘Can you tell me more about that?’ Maybe you even say, ‘That makes sense.’ Then it’s your turn to share how you see things. Even if your original stance is unchanged, this sort of exchange decelerates the energy and calms you both down so you can have a dialogue.” A smart way to snap yourself out of it is to look at your mate: Lock eyes with them directly and remind yourself this is your lifelong teammate, not your opponent. Even if you vary in your opinions on one particular subject, overall, you’re in this thing together. “Walk away from the debate and take a minute to gain composure if you notice that you’ve moved from healthy debate to all-out attack,” adds Moore. RELATED: 7 Meaningful Questions That Deepen Relationship Intimacy, According to Therapists “Remember that everyone has a different conflict style, and no one style is better. My verbal [game] is strong, but my husband’s mental [game] is just as good in a debate,” Berg says. “The key is to agree on a style that you’re both comfortable with, ideally with a proactive conversation long before you’re in the heat of a debate.” To prevent your discussion from impacting your intimacy, Moore recommends setting ground rules like:
Stick to one topic.Don’t attack each other personally.Remember that the relationship winning is more important than either of you “winning” the debate.
The same principle applies for smaller spats, too. “If every minor argument finds its way back to a bigger topic, it’s important to note the unresolved anger,” says Kromberg. “Say, ‘Let’s work out the laundry issue right now, but we need to come back to the other topic at a later time.’” If you just can’t make headway on the bigger topic, consider seeing a marriage counselor. RELATED: 9 Money Secrets of Happy Couples Avoid saying things like “I’m done,” “Let’s end this,” or “I want a divorce” when you’re in a fight. “Someone might say this because they want to grab their partner’s attention,” says Carrie Cole, MEd, LPC-S, certified Gottman Method master trainer, director of research for The Gottman Institute, and cofounder of the Center For Relationship Wellness. “But it makes their partner feel unsafe and insecure in the relationship.” If those kinds of things get said often, then the partner either stops believing them, or feels that sharing feelings will “end” the relationship.
